yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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