If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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