First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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