Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
