i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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