Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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