apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
