is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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