Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
