I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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