One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
