I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
