Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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