if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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