some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
