I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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