How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
