It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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