Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
