everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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