Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
