Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
