Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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