she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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