My first STD was from a foam party
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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