If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
