went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
