Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
