i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
