Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
