Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my shit smells like andre
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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