I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
