some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
