Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
