I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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