Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
