woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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