i was born a porn star she said
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
