My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
