Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
should my penis look like a turkey
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
What a dumb baby whore.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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