When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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