Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
