just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
