Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
