This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i've created a new STD.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
