I wish I could teleport
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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