Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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