oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
