doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
