And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
