someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
50% drunk capacity currently
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
